I'm baaaack!

Haven't touched this since July 3rd when I finally decided to part ways wit' my ex... Never meant to part ways wit' yall too.... So I'm baaaaack! New posts comin' soooooon!

Finally Over!!

Every morning I wake up with a sick feeling in my stomach like this can't be right. This can't be life. These days I look in the mirror and don't even see myself. I don't see who I used to be I don't see who I want to become and I damn sure don't see who I wish to be right now. I am currently the same woman I looked down upon for years. A woman who cheats herself out of happiness for the pleasure of a man. I have been made to think I am wrong when I am really right only to right his wrongdoings. I have put up with things that no woman should ever have to go through. I have cried so many tears that never hit the ground because a mislead hand made them fall short only pretending in hopes I'd think he actually cared. Lies and cheating yeah I've been through all of that. Through it all I came back trying to make something work that God never meant to be. My friends don't know who I am any more because of the life I "choose" to live. I degrade my own self by allowing these things that are happening to me to continue to go on. I know I am a great woman and I deserve to be treated with respect and I have not been getting that by the actions of a man. The woman I currently am is not the woman I am destined to become. No matter how hard life gets I will never again tolerate the wrongdoings of a man because I feel like I have no other choice. There's ALWAYS another choice and even though it's not what I prefer it is better than losing my self respect. So the day this gets posted I have finally decided to turn to the next chapter of my life. And although I don't know what it may bring I put my faith in God and I know it will all turn out all right in THE END!

This was originally written on June 18th...just posted tonight...

I want to leave everyone with this... you never know peoples situations when you are on the outside looking in. People may think I'm always happy because I easily smile but life is rough and times are hard. Try not to judge those you don't know or make assumptions due to what you see...

I want a love like this....

I love the Obama's! I definitely want to find a love like theirs I can call my own!

Barack Hussein Obama!

Congratulations to Obama! Today is the day he has become our 1st acknowledged BLACK president! I've heard so much hate today about all the things he is NOT! And I will quote what was said "The 44TH President is not your homie from the hood, he is not a superhero, he is not invincible, and he definitely is not the savior." Hmmm... all which is true BUT who ever said any of that? I know he is NONE of those things BUT he is a strong BLACK man who has today yet again made history! He has given hope to soooo many people who had given up....sooo many people who thought they would never see this day. He rekindled so many dreams! Also said was, "Yes he is articulate and intelligent, he is carismatic and inspiring, he brings a certain coolness and swagger to the office of president but have we forgotten? He is a politician. He cannot deliver the things he promised." Now how do we know what he can and cannot deliver? He was just sworn in today! I think we should stop doubtin' the man and just him let do his thing. He inherited a mess and it's goin' to take time to get things the way they need to be but I believe he is the man to take those first steps in gettin' us there. I have faith in the Lord and I know HE is my savior but Obama is my president and I voted for him and he is BLACK and we will watch him do his thing! Let the man actually do somethin' wrong before you decide to criticize...please! Obama yall!

My President Is Officially Black!! (Tomorrow)

In less than 24 hours my president will be BLACK! Omg I can't wait and I thank the LORD that I lived to see it! As well as my grandmothers and my dad because I know it means a lot to them! I'm so excited! I'm so proud! Many said it would never happen. We all hoped and believed it would but never knew it would be so soon! A lot don't want us to be happy, don't want us to rejoice, and celebrate. Like him makin' it was enough and now we should shut up about it. Not I! I won't shut up. I will be happy and I will rejoice! Because I can! Shout out to Barack Obama for bein' a reality to what Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. could only dream! Let's keep makin' history! Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day!

Still sick!

Omg I can't wait to get over this cold! I was soooooo sick this mornin'! And hungover on top of that! I had the worst hangover I ever had. Threw up last night then woke up and threw up twice. Ugh! It was nothin' nice! And I had the biggest headache! Then I took a nap and woke up feelin' much better. Got a little somethin' to eat and two cans of ginger ale. I just took some tylenol cold night time but I'm not drowsy or anything. I've just been goin' threw it today! By the way last night I didn't have to break up a fight so I'm here lol. And everyone is okay and in one piece. Just kicked it at Aaron's and got way too drunk to function. Ugh! Don't even want to think about it or alcohol. I'm out!

Takin' my braids out!

Okay so I did a lil somethin' different to my hair last night...likey? I don't know what it's called or none of that lol. It's just somethin' different for me. But it was only for the night. I'm currently takin' it down. I need to give my whole head a good washin'. My cold is almost all the way gone....thank GOD! It's already 6:30pm and I haven't done anything today it feels like. Well I did go get a buffalo chicken cheese steak (Mmmm my favorite) but it wasn't on point like it usually is. I don't know if it is because I'm sick or if it's because they just slacked off today. But I know if it happens next time I'm goin' off cause I'm a regular customer lol. So I'm tryin' to figure out what I'ma do tonight. I know I'ma drink wit' Aaron but I don't know if we're goin' out or not. I need to get away because I know I'm about to have to break up this fight between my sister and cousin. All I know is nobody better not hit me or I won't be back on blogspot or nothin' else for awhile cause it's gonna go down! Wish me luck! UGH!

No No No Notorious!

Oooookay so Aaron and I went to see Notorious last night and it was GOOD! I was pissed because for the openin' night how are the two latest showtimes at 7:30 and 10:15?! And even if that was the case why only have it showin' in one room?! Now I live in a town wit' majority blacks so they know they were wrong for that! UGH! Aaron didn't get off til 9 and still had to go get the tickets (before it sold out) then still go home and change so we had to rush. We made it on time and thank GOD we didn't have to stand in line and wait for those tickets! You know that section in the front of the movies that's off to the side...kinda curves? Well....that's where we had to sit! Lol. Man my neck was hurtin' from sittin' at that angle! UGH! We were in the second row lol. But I was just happy to be in America and seein' the damn movie lol. There was not one seat left open!

Now back to the movie! In my opinion it was a really good movie. I definitely saw a different side to Biggie that I never heard about. He seemed to be a funny guy and someone easy to love. Now I'm NOT gonna sit up here and tell the movie because I HATE when people do that! But go see it everyone! I do have to share that I think they could've found a better lookin' 2pac! But hey they did what they could I guess. And Derek Luke played Diddy perfectly lol! I always liked Derek Luke (just found out his name today) as an actor and also admired his lips but never even knew his name. I would just call him Antwone Fisher lol. But I think the Diddy look (hair and mustache) is actually a look he should keep. I think he's cute now! Hate on it! And the guy who played Biggie did a good job! Also make sure you take notice Naturi (girl that got kicked out of 3LW) as Lil Kim and the lil boy from Losing Isaiah (I know it's old) plays Lil Ceaz (or however he spells it)! I'm outta here!

Plane crashes into Hudson River

Can you imagine how scared those people must've been?! Omg! I don't know what I would've done well actually I do know! I would've been one of the FIRST ones out lol. I would've been out of that thing before it even hit the water! And just used my shirt as a parachute! Lol. But on a more serious note I'm just glad that everyone made it out of there alive....well everyone but the birds that flew into the engine that is.... Now I'm bracin' myself to hear more people say how they're not flyin' on a plane and all that. I hate when people say that! This will NOT stop me from hoppin' on a plane to go somewhere I want to go. No it won't! I would catch a plane to NY if I could and I live in PA only a 3 hour drive. I have more chances of gettin' into a car accident. I'm livin' my life to the fullest and catchin' planes from PA to Cali to Vegas to Paris and wherever else I want to go and get there fast lol. If anything should happen to me on a plane one day just remember "I love yall"!

It's a new daaayyy!

Okay so today I feel much better! I've come a loooong way from how I felt last night! My cold is slowly fadin' away...tonight is movie night wit' Aaron.... Goin' to see the Biggy movie! I can't wait because EVERYBODY is goin'! What else... Well it's Friday so that's always good because now I can party all weekend startin' tonight! Already have my 99 blackberries and Turkey hill Limonade! Have never put the two together but I'll def be back on tomorrow and sharin' the experience. I was up until 4am this mornin'! I could not sleep! I guess I was just that mad. Even took four Tylenol Cold PM and still didn't help! But it's a new day and so far I'm lovin' it! I'll be back!

PISSED OFF!!!

No fancy colors or none of that for this one. I'm pissed off! So Aaron faked on me tonight. No soup. No drinks. No Jon and Kate Plus 8! Ugh I'm soooooo mad! All because some dumb chick calls him up and tells him her mom told her not to come home tonight because she might take the bad stuff that's happenin' out on her. First of all what kinda mom would say somethin' like that? I feel bad for the girl just because of that. Second of all how the hell does that become Aaron's problem?! He's always tryna be a good friend and help people out. I guess that's why he's such a good friend to me. But still...to cancel our plans. I'm sick....I need help too! But I've come to the conclusion she needs his help more than I do tonight. My cold will still be here tomorrow and so will that soup, those drinks, and Jon, Kate, and all those damn kids lol. But I'm still pissed! And to top it off my sister calls me and tells me she's goin' over Aaron's house to kick it wit' his roommate! What a slap in the face! Now I'm pissed and jealous! And I don't get jealous lol I just feel left out now. Great thing about havin' 3 BFF's is when one isn't there or fakes on me I still have the other 2 to cheer me up! Now let me go watch this thing on youtube Daja is rantin' and ravin' about! lol! UGH!

Wrong feet

Okay I'm layin' here and came across this old pic of me and my big sis and just got to wonderin'.... Why in the hell do kids put their shoes on the wrong feet?! I mean come on now! You only have 2 feet so it's a 50/50 thing right? So why is it that it's done wrong ALL the time? As you can see I myself was guilty of it. And so is my niece. I'm startin' to think those lil brats do it on purpose because what are the odds they just always get it wrong when there is only a 50/50 chance? I think they're just tryna mess wit' me head or somethin' lol. Just a quick thought.

So sick!

Okay so I woke up this mornin' sick. Well actually I woke up yesterday mornin' sick and woke up today even worse! Ugh! I took some Tylenol Cold but it's not really helpin'! So my BFF (not you Daja lol) I should say my new male BFF Aaron offered to make me some chicken noodle soup when he gets off work! I'm so excited lol! I am truly blessed to have such great best friends. Daja, Aaron, and Dustin are my BFF's and I couldn't ask for anything better! So yeah he's makin' me some soup but he's not gonna blow it or feed it to me cuz BFF's just don't do that lol. Ooooh and I'ma grab a bottle of 99 Blackberries and some Turkey Hill Limeade! It's gonna be a fun night! I'ma try hard to get him to watch Jon and Kate Plus 8 (one of my favorite shows) wit' me but he's hesitant lol. Enough on Aaron back to yours truly! Haha I'll be back! This is the sick me!

Daja.....

Okay Daja... I mean xomissfortunexo.blogspot.com (had to do a quick plug for my BFF real quick lol) so I now have the blogspot you BEGGED me to get! Haha! It's aight I guess I'm still tryna figure it out. I still love Facebook! That's my new myspace. And no myspace doesn't get any BOLD or fancy colors! Lol doesn't even deserve to be CAPITALIZED! Lol it's now pretty whack me and I'm thinkin' about deletin' mine also. Anyway back to you AJA! (Lmao remember that?) I'm havin' fun wit' this for now. Don't know how long it's gonna last. You gotta fix up my BLOGSPOT. Sittin' here on the phone wit' Dustin. Got a sore throat ugh! I'm gettin' off of here and back on Facebook!

Innocent Love

Love is a bond. A commitment far greater than anything that can be verbalized and it doesn't have to be. When it's there you know it. You feel it. A new love can make one feel like an old love wasn't real. But it was. Love is never the same. No two loves are alike. Love is always kind, never cruel. That's when people come into play. Too many times love has been blamed for an individuals mistakes. People who use the word but have no idea what it really means or how much power it holds. Some only use it to get what they want, for their own benefit. Whatever that may be. And because of these individuals and their ignorance and selfishness love is spoken bad upon and blamed for lies, deception, infidelity, you name it. Blamed for ones lack of better judgment, inability to control themselves or just not caring to. Those fallen into the hands of temptation. Love never lies. Nor does it cheat. People do. Love isn't to be blamed for our heartache and shortcomings. People are, sometimes those people being ourselves. Who's really to blame? Which way do you point your finger? Towards the one who mislead you? Lied… covered it up… brought you up… then broke you down… cheated… abused you in sometimes more ways than one…the one who said they'd always be there and you shared everything with… did all you could do… your best and they still left. Which is your story? Or do you blame yourself? For ignoring all the signs. Not seeing the truth behind the lies… or not wanting to… for giving your heart to the wrong one… someone who didn't appreciate it… didn't appreciate you and all your love was worth… for loving someone who took advantage… and took your love for granted. Stop pointing your finger in loves direction. Love is not to blame. Love is always kind, never cruel. Love is never the same. Who's to say your next love won't be better? Take a chance. If you choose wisely your next love will be so much better than the ones before. The ones that ALMOST made you throw dirt on loves name.

J. Jacks!

The Little Girl Inside Me

The little girl inside me is long gone. She left never to return again. She was kicked out by someone who decided to take advantage. He tried to kill her but she would not die. She decided it was time for her to leave. She did not know that ultimately that was not her decision. She was naive. A little girl. It was his decision. If it wasn't for him she would still be here. We would be close. But he kicked her out. I was so young. I did not want any part of him. I had nowhere to run. I could not tell. I too was naive. I was trapped. He took from me what was rightfully mine. My innocence. Or at least I thought it was rightfully mine. Not only did he rid me of my innocence but he sent my closest friend on a journey never to return. After all these years the little girl inside me has not once written or called to tell me she is okay. I know why. Because she is not. And neither am I. Without her I am lost. But she is never coming home. We will never be friends again. All I can keep is the memory of her and how happy I remember being when she was here. See not long after the little girl inside me left she died a slow and painful death. She was cold and alone. She too had lost her closest friend. She did not want me or her enemy to see her die. She wanted me to believe that everything would be okay. I was a prisoner in my own home. The little girl inside me got to escape long before I did. She is the lucky one.

J. Jacks

Suicide

Over and over we continue to let others come into our precious world and turn our lives upside down. They push us to our breaking points then leave us with all the pain of what they made our past. They leave just in time. They leave before they push us over the edge. Who wants 25 to life on a murder charge? After they are no longer in our world we stand at the edge of that cliff contemplating. Should we jump? Many have. Never to return to the world of theirs that once used to be precious. Jumping only to ease the pain if just for one second. We are forced to be trapped in our own thoughts. Thoughts that bring us closer to misery and death each day. There is no longer a world. We are now in our own world hurting and alone. Only because our past refuses to let anyone in. We now stay on our toes and keep up a constant guard. Love is not an option anymore. Because in our own minds love got us to this cliff. In our world there are no take backs. The damage is done. No apology can change our state of mind. We don't need any sympathy. We are already dead. We died long before the cliff. Only we did not die physically. That is just what is left of us. How can you commit suicide when you're already dead?If I commit suicide it will only be to kill what I let someone make the definitionof me. The me I allowed to be handled and pushed to my limits. Committing suicide will only cause the rebirth of the new and better me.

J. Jacks

Cry For You

I have to get this off my chest before I go insane. You ruined my life before it even started. Now here I am left trying to make sense of all that has gone on. Trying to pick up the pieces of the heart that was never whole. The heart that was broken at birth. Thoughts of you bring sleepless nights. Like tonight. I become enraged. Why do I think of you? Everything about you disgusts me. To me you're nothing more than a mirage. Is that my mom? Oh wait I forgot... I never had a mom. Never will. I despise the fact that you get the benefit of hearing your children call you mom. You give the definition of a mother a whole new meaning. When God said to honor our father and mother did he know there would be mothers like you? I always wonder that. If he did know and he'd still want me to honor you I guess I'll burn in hell before that happens. How can you honor someone who was never there? Someone who abandoned their children as if you were thinking they would be fine without you. Or better off. I think back on how when I was younger and I was hurt or sad and I would actually cry for you. A cry unheard. I knew you would never hear me. I knew you would never come. Yet I still cried. I hate that I ever said that I love you too when you told me you loved me knowing I was lying every time. Guess I was trying to keep from hurting you. But why? You never cared if I was hurt by your actions. No matter how hard I try there is no escaping you. I can't get any peace. One glance in the mirror and I realize I am cursed with lifelong thought of you. Why did I have to be the one that looks just like you? It's like I'm gifted with a curse. But you know what mom? We didn't miss out on you. You missed out on us. I'm just the only one bold enough to say it. With that said the tear that hits this page tonight will be the last tear I ever cry for you.

J. Jacks!

If Only (Dedication to my bff)

If only he could look past the hurt and see his worth.
If only just for one second he could understand his life has just begun.
If only there was someone who could help him realize he is not at fault.
If only he could give his mind a rest and know her mistakes are not his own.
If only so many years had not gone by.
If only there was some way to help ease his pain.
If only his thoughts did not control what has become his life.
If only he could think freely without faking a smile.
If only he hadn't started to question why he had been such a good man.
If only he needed someone I'd forever be there.
If only a friend could help him through his struggle.
If only he decided to let me in.
If only his past had not shut that door.
If only precious time was not being wasted.
If only for once he would let her mind do the wondering.
If only he could let her heart do the hurting.
If only that happened then he could stop searching.
If only in plain sight he could see she is winning.
If only he understood he can't master a mind she controls.

J. Jacks

Because Of You

Because of you I love everyone not really loving anyone. Your absence is why true love never lived here and for it I cannot find a definition to help me grasp what it truly may mean. How is it possible for me to love without really loving at all? My love for others comes easily because I'm trying to fill up an empty place in my heart. A place that should have been yours but you never met. A lost love for me doesn't hurt for long because of you I've learned life must go on. Is it love at all? Or are these people I claim to love just pawns in my life of chess? A thought process trying to escape or replace that one person I love to hate and hate to love.

J. Jacks